My First Born 💕

I wasn't expecting it to hit me as hard as it did I struggled to compose my tears along with my overwhelming need to grab you and squeeze you I knew you wouldn't be impressed with my over exerted mammyness in front of the shop lady so I held back... I watched you walk from the dressing room right up the centre of the shop - beaming. You turned with your big blue eyes and the brightest smile knocking me for six as you said "this one mammy, I love this one". Your eyes shining brighter than the diamontes on the dress, your hair glistening under the shop lights, you twirled and danced, carefree and happy and my heart almost burst. How time has flown. It's true what they say - blink and you'll miss it. 8 and a half years ago you came twirling and dancing into our lives with your big blue eyes. Knocking us for six for the first time. We didn't realise you would do that over and over again. Life is so busy. I'm so busy. Going. Always going. Sleepless nights and restless days with anxiety tearing my mind assunder at times that I'm getting it all so wrong. Everything has been full throttle these last few months... I know I'm sort of cracking under the pressure lately. And then this. Something so simple bringing it all home to me. You picking out your communion dress. I think about the times that have gone by. Like leaving the hospital with you and not having a clue what to do with you... winging the shit out of it... to be fair you weren't long letting us know if we were doing it wrong, your screams were the stuff of nightmares. But that smile...

There's so much emphasis on perfection these days..  I'm told quite a lot how beautiful you are, I know you are. But what I hope is that you know you are. And I don't mean your beauty on the outside... because as lovely as that is it doesn't mean shit. Your heart, your kindness, your regard and thoughtfulness for others, your wittiness and sense of humour, your sensitive beautiful soul, your stubborn and inquisitive nature, your love of sports and reading and dancing, this is the beauty I want you to know. These are your traits. These are what will take you so far in this life like the star that you are, they shine through, through that gorgeous smile and those big blue eyes.

As you get older my worries are shifting, there's so much in this crazy world and it's becoming harder to keep you from it all. I can't help but wonder if the next 8 years will go as fast as these last 8 years have gone. You haven't yet asked for a phone or snapchat or anything like that. For that I'm grateful. But I know it's coming. I know it will hit your daddy like a bus when you want to go to discos. I know I'll probably go back on the fags and lose all my hair just trying to get through your teenage years, but I'll do it. We'll do it.

I watch you, you care, your deeply sensitive, but hilariously funny, you have the power to go from 0 to 100 in seconds and you frighten the bejaysus out of me with your ability to slam the doors loud enough to make even their hinges shake. You've got the bitch face down. I go from wanting to strangle you to being completely overwhelmed with pride at your ability to express yourself. It gives me so much hope, hope that you won't ever block me out. You talk to me with no filter, there's nothing like sitting down with the family over dinner and you coming out with questions and statements like "I know how babies are made"... then going into full detail and asking for clarification if your right or wrong... I don't think your father's been right since 😅😅

So yes my dearest, sweetest k, I don't always, and won't always get it right. But I will always be there. With my over exerted mammyness smothering you with love and pride. And although there are times about to hit us when you'll hate me, when you'll think I'm your worst enemy and nightmare, I promise you it'll be for your own good. I will take your bitch face, I will take your attitude, you can kick and scream as hard as you like, I figured out how to sort your terrible twos - an almost hopeless case thanks to your stubbornness, but we got there, so I know I'll figure out the rest as we go... I just ask one thing in return as I watch you grow and grow... come back to me... I'll always be here because you my sweet sweet girl are my heart and my soul ❤

I will slow down, I will savour you, savour your sister and savour your brother. I will watch you all more... like really watch you.

Because I think if we really stop and look, it squashes our doubts and heightens our pride. No one is perfect, but if we are giving it our all then we are getting it right mammys, on a mostly winding and treacherous road.. we are getting it right. 😙



Popular posts from this blog

An open letter to my pregnant best friend ❤

The motherhood box. Part 1.

A year without you.