Back on Track 💪❤

I'm late.. I know.. I'm very late.. Like over a week late.. Its been a bit of a pattern this past week, me being late.. Me flapping around like a headless chicken not having a clue what I'm doing.. Me questioning the shit out of life and its meaning..(okay that's a bit deep and a slight exaggeration but the drama queen in me took it and ran with it) me wondering if I'm doing the right thing, questioning myself, am I going the right way? Because if I am, well then shouldn't it be easier? More simple? Or at least not make me feel so uneasy.

I'll take you back to the beginning of the week, me waking Monday morning all rainbows and sunshine excited and intrigued about what the day would hold. It was my first full day in college, my little girls off to school and the baby of the house off to creche. I had it planned like a military exercise, lunches freshly made the night before ready to go, clothes all laid out, I was armed with a full drawer of hair bobbins ( every single girl will know my pain, those little fuckers weren't going to get the better of me Monday morning, I was prepared, you learn to be prepared when your daughters hair is thicker than a noose 🔫) so there I was oozing of zen thinking to myself I've got this, this is the best thing I've done in years... Fast forward to 8.40 arriving at creche and realizing you forgot his bag.. Yep that's right first full day, he has no lunch, no change of clothes, no nothing because his mother is an absolute fairy. I ring my husband trying to sound like im not about to have a complete an utter meltdown and i have at least some of my shit together, crisis averted he will drop the bag. I start the car.. Focus claire, get a grip. Next stop is to collect the poor unfortunate girl who lives down the road from me, long story short, shes doing a different course in the same college. I say poor unfortunate because well after this week im pretty sure she thinks im a slightly unhinged, highly emotional, bad driver and she's stuck depending on lifts with this crazy mother from up the road. Monday really didn't improve after that, the mammy guilt took over, pair that with tutors talking about workloads and assignments and how important it is to find "your time to study" I felt defeated, deflated and completely disheartened by it all. I came home tired and stressed and decided to eat my weight in chocolate instead of going to cross fit... I know great plan right.

My mood spiraled like this all week, I suppose I had underestimated how hard it would be juggling it all, you know the easy part is probably going to college, its coming home and still having the workload that you use to have all day to do, now trying to do it in half the time, along with homework and assignments its exhausting, you'll remember in my last post how I went on about running more and crossfit.. It didn't happen this week, and if I'm being honest I don't know if it'll happen next week. You see I'm suffering from severe mammy guilt, I'm no longer here all day long, so when I get home from college I couldn't possibly consider going out again that evening!! I know it sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, but its true. Being away from the kids has always been a bit of a complex issue for me, I've talked to a few friends about this but mostly they say things like "no, why would you feel guilty?? We need a break too". And I know we do, I know the kids probably enjoy the break from me too, but I can't explain the knot of anxiety that forms in the pit of my stomach when i think about the fact that im not there organising and monitering every second of their day, yes i know its not normal, i am quite aware that it's a little bit OTT but you know nobody will do it the way you would, as a mother, putting your trust in people to look after them and meet your ridiculously high standards, well it just doesn't come easy, its something I have always struggled with, when they were babies especially, I couldn't bare to not be with them, this made simple things like holding down a job or doing anything really that involved me committing to being outside of the house really quite difficult, I thank god everyday my husband is so understanding 🙈🙈 These days it has eased slightly I know they need me less, I know they can come and tell me if anything is wrong, and I remind myself of that all the time. But I think the real reason I struggled so much this week is because I didn't have the kids to hide behind anymore. In college I'm just Claire the student, not Claire the Mammy, and I haven't the faintest idea who Claire is anymore I abandoned that crator a very long time ago. So who am I? Well if i went by this past week I would say I'm a stressed out overeating, slightly derranged woman who bares all of her emotions way too readily and cries over everything...

So yep you guessed it, I'm jumping ship, I'm wiping the slate clean and
I've convinced myself that this week will be better, you see I may not have any idea who Claire is anymore but I know exactly who I want  her to be. I'm starting slow, I'm commiting to two nights of exercise, eating well, and basically just getting my shit together so I don't feel like I'm a hamster on a fucking wheel. Organization is key. I'm most definitely not in my comfort zone, but I suppose if iI stayed in my comfort zone life would be pretty boring, its good to push yourself, push your boundaries and see what your capable of, it's fucking terrifying I won't lie but the trick is to take it slow, bring it back to the basics, like exercise and food, I know when I do those things well my mind thanks me for it so I'm hoping this week I'll be giving off all
kinds of vibes that say something like yes I've got my shit together or something like that 😉.

If your reading this and you feel like you can relate to any of it, do yourself a favour this week, commit to doing one thing... Just one thing that's only for you, as mothers I think sometimes we throw ourselves so far into being mothers that we forget about the person underneath it all, stop abandoning her.. Stop right now, your children will thank you for it, the
woman underneath dying to get out will thank you for it 😘 Thanks for reading,
Mammysbrightside ❤❤❤


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