Showing posts from 2016


Grief, loss, emptiness, just some of the emotions that jump to the forefront of my mind when I focus in on death. I don't tend to focus in on death very often, this might seem like a very morbid post, it probably is. I'm probably being selfish. You see I need to write it, I need to free the thoughts from my mind, I need to let it go and get my elsa on... full fucking throttle.

11 years ago I lost my Daddy. Biologically he was my Grandad but in my heart and in his, he was my Daddy, the only one I ever knew or needed to know. He put me on a pedastal and held me there very dearly for the first 15 years of my life. He showed me love and gave me the stability that I so desperately craved. He was my safe, my constant supporter, even during those massive teenage fuck up's. He was my home. He was always there, always... Until he wasn't.

I can still recall our last moments, the vision so clear it takes my breath away, his voice, his smile, his walk... his hands, his hands alway…


November. Sweet sweet November. Dark evenings, cold, wet weather, warm hearty soups and stews, tea, coffee, hot chocolate, comfort food, wooly jumpers and early nights... bliss.
Movitation level - Fucking. Zero.

We had a week off for midterm break last week, I was so looking forward to it, no rushing, no assignments, no study, just about enough time to recharge and have some quality time with the kids and maybe even do some housework.  Firstly, I'll take you back to the week before we broke up for midterm, Child 3's toilet training issue was well on its way to becoming a much bigger issue than it ever needed to be, after endless failed attempts I gave in, pulled the pull ups back out of the press and put them back on him, telling myself next week ill be off, I'll have more time and patience and it'll be grand. Child 3 had other ideas. Child 3 decided he didn't really need to piss... ever... even with a pull up on he was point blank refusing to go. I was at my wits …

Ups and Downs

Hi everyone hope you've all had a lovely Sunday :-) it's unusual for me to write on a Sunday evening but I had an unexpected window of free time and so here I am. Today I want to talk about our mindsets, how powerful they are, how they can affect us in even the simplest of ways without us even knowing it, how they can trick us into thinking we are indestructible and how they can just as quickly knock the shit out of us. Adjusting your mindset to be an optimist rather than a pessimist might be the thing that saves you from yourself it's not the easiest thing to do but like everything it is most definitely possible. I talked a lot about my mindset with my councellor, over time I realised all the issues I was going through, each one had a trigger, an exact moment in time where that negative thought entered my brain buried itself deep until it started to fester, unravelling and entertwining itself around my train of thought, and well as you can imagine over time those thoughts…

Saying it Loud.

Hi everyone its Sunday and its dry out which in our house means the kids have put on coats and wellies over their pajamas and gone outside to act like hooligans in the garden affording me some quiet time..
Todays post is a little different I'm leaping backin time again (2008 to be precise) A time that for me was so conflicting of my emotions it was the year I gave birth to my first born, the year I became a mother, the year I started to believe in myself and my abilities again, but it was also the year my baby cried constantly for six months, the year I descended further and further into isolation and anxiety, the year I blamed myself for all of her pain, the year that guilt and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness swallowed me so deep it consumed me.

I've already touched on this if you've read my previous posts you'll know how I struggled during the pregnancy with worries and doubts, how I ate myself into oblivion to try to comfort myself and consequently was very …

Its Ok Not To Feel Ok :-*

Hi everyone,

I hope you've all had a lovely week! Mine's been good, really good.. I kept it all fairly together... Fairly... I mean I might have almost cried to a complete stranger, came out in a rash and sweated profusely after I lost my car keys in class on Tuesday only to find them 10minutes later in the zip part of my handbag.. sneaky fuckers. But other than that little glitch I owned this week and I think a huge part of that has been down to this blog.. Starting this, I never really considered how much I might enjoy it, I never considered that so many of you might read it and I really never considered the fact that so many of you might open up to me, knowing first hand how easy it is to not talk about it, to not talk about anything.. you know, just putting a face on it and
getting through day by day. We are all guilty of it.. but what if we didn't? What if we stopped?  What it we listened to eachother? Like really listened, not nodding and politely smiling and thinkin…

Back on Track 💪❤

I'm late.. I know.. I'm very late.. Like over a week late.. Its been a bit of a pattern this past week, me being late.. Me flapping around like a headless chicken not having a clue what I'm doing.. Me questioning the shit out of life and its meaning..(okay that's a bit deep and a slight exaggeration but the drama queen in me took it and ran with it) me wondering if I'm doing the right thing, questioning myself, am I going the right way? Because if I am, well then shouldn't it be easier? More simple? Or at least not make me feel so uneasy.

I'll take you back to the beginning of the week, me waking Monday morning all rainbows and sunshine excited and intrigued about what the day would hold. It was my first full day in college, my little girls off to school and the baby of the house off to creche. I had it planned like a military exercise, lunches freshly made the night before ready to go, clothes all laid out, I was armed with a full drawer of hair bobbins ( …

The next chapter 💕

Hi everyone,
So tomorrow marks a week since my last post, it was deep, it was raw, and well it knocked me. I needed to take a bit of time, I hadn't expected to feel so vulnerable once it went out there, but I did, I felt vulnerable and paranoid and exposed. You see I hadn't really thought it through, I never really think things through and yet I'm always amazed when I end up in unexpected situations, but that's how I need to write, I like when I sit down and just let it go sometimes it takes an unexpected turn and it just works, you don't get that when you try to plan, even with this post I've no idea where I'm going with it but bare with me...
I wrote from the heart last Sunday and I published my post and only then went back to read it. I cried into my coffee, I mean I don't really think back to that time too often, that girl I once was, she was so lost, so alone (by choice) she was so closed off, so guarded, so lost in her battle against her negative …

The dark side

Starting this blog I wasn't sure just how much I would share, I wasn't sure if I was brave enough, strong enough to put it all out there.. Its scary (not like paranormal activity scary more like a bad haircut scary) you know you made the decision to cut your hair but you just weren't sure if you were ready for the looks and everyone's opinions but its cut now so you just have to own it. Im putting it out there, my illness, my struggles because I feel compelled to write this post, the messages I've received from people over the past few days asking for help and tips or just a chat its been overwhelming, and I want, no i need to get the message across your not on your own, none of us are.

I've struggled for as long as I can remember, two people know the full extent of my story, my husband and one of my best friends who I only told after she came to me with her experience, I'm not good at talking, I shut down, I close off, I let the thoughts inside my head dea…

Green Goodness 🌿

Today's post is all about getting yo greens and the benefits,
both mentally and physically!!

I've always been someone who's struggled with food, like most people I know I grew up on a diet which consisted of potatoes, mashed with either tinned peas or tinned beans and whatever meat was going on that particular evening, and god help you if you left a bit of spud on the plate I can still here my grandad scolding me about how many starving people would love that spud!! There was nothing wrong with it at the time, but in recent years we seem to have evolved, food is fast becoming one of the hottest topics out there everyone's an expert, and well, its hard to know what diet to be following and who to be listening to!!

I'm one of those people who's pretty much tried them all, diet after diet, each one as great as the next, until eventually I'd fall off whatever wagon I had been on and fall back into the comfort of starch and sugar and self loath.

You see what I d…
So a little bit about me.
I'm a 28 year old mum of 3, my eldest is 8, my middle divil is 4 and "the baby" is 3. I'm a married stay at home Irish mammy and have been since our first was born back in 2008. This year I'm entering into strange and unknown territory as both of our eldest will be in primary school in two weeks and "the baby" will be starting preschool, meaning there are three whole hours where I'm not going to be needed, wanted, or let's face it even missed!!

I'm nervous and excited,
I've enrolled myself to start a part time college course, the ultimate dream, simple but true for me, my little dream finally becoming a reality. As a young mother I've put a lot of things on hold, I don't regret it for a second, my children give me life, they really are my everything and I couldn't be more proud of the little people they're becoming, but a huge part of me really wants to make them proud of their mammy too.